Ever wonder why the guy isn’t asking you out again when everything seems to be going so well? You meet, exchange numbers. He’s texting you all day long, there’s this great tension build-up. You go out. You have a fantastic first date, maybe even a great kiss as he drops you at your door. You may have another date, same kind of scenario. You feel like you’re on the Roller Coaster of Love and that you’re heading down the spiral of coupledom.
The texting slows down. You realize you’re texting him more than he’s texting you. You have mention of the third date but he hasn’t committed to anything yet. You want to see when that date will be so you even suggest that you go out on Saturday. He replies with something innocuous but doesn’t commit to the date and then you find that the communications quickly go downhill.
You had all this chemistry! The conversation was so awesome! And, WOW, that kiss! Why isn’t he calling?? What went wrong!? He seemed so into me when we were out… What did I do?
It’s because you became the masculine energy in the relationship. Boys want to be the aggressors. If you take on the role of pursuing him, he becomes immasculated and WHAMMO! He’s on to the next girl who’s going to make him feel like Manly Man.
I think women have this idea that, hey, it’s the 21st Century. We’re our own women. We should be able to ask a guy out. We can pick up the check! It’s what women do now! But the thing is, it goes against the chemically-bound roles that are ingrained deep inside. I know, I know…I don’t like it anymore than you do. I’m an extremely independent woman. I make my own money. I have my own home. I haven’t had to rely on anyone except myself for a very long time so why should I cowtow to acting girly when I’m everything but that?!
We can’t fight nature. You can still be your own woman and get the boy; you just have to know how to walk the line. I’m not suggesting that you flutter your eyelashes and start dotting your i’s with hearts, but what I am suggesting is that you make yourself just a little less available. Be a challenge. Let the boy chase you around the playground for a little bit. If you’re too available, too easily attainable, he’s outta there.
Follow some of these simple rules and you’ll have him eating out of your hand in no time – if he’s really interested.
Step One: Stop Texting
It’s fine for random checking-in and chatting throughout the day but if a guy is going to ask you out on a date he needs to at least have the level of respect to call you up and ask you out. In today’s technology age I think that women have lowered our standards way too much. It’s so easy to just pop someone a text or send an email – and that’s exactly the problem. They don’t have to make any effort.
It’s going to up to you to set that standard. You don’t have to be a bitch about it but you do have to hold him to the standards you set – and he’s going to respect you for it. If he tries to ask you out via text, just reply something like, “Maybe…maybe not…You should call me to see what my answer is…” If he doesn’t, or if he’s not willing to go the extra mile to have a physical conversation to ask you out on a date, then he’s not interested enough to truly date you and you need to move on to the next dude.
The second benefit of this is that your standards are raised in his mind by doing this. He is going to realize, right from the very beginning, that you’re not just a fly-by-night chick – or worse yet, a possible booty call – and your stock will rise.
Thirdly, if he’s not texting you or replying to your texts, don’t ramp up your efforts in an attempt to get a response. He would answer if he wanted to and you’ll only seem needy and desperate, two things guys just looooove….Sarcasm noted? Good.
Step Two: Be Busy. Have Your Own Fabulous Social Life
If a guy sees that you’re a busy girl, with a great social life, this makes you more of a challenge. I’m not suggesting you go all Clueless and send yourself flowers and chocolates, but if a guy sees that you have an active social life your stock rises even further. If he thinks you’re sitting home every night with the cat you’re much more available to him and, therefore, less of a challenge. If you’re active with friends and in social settings that makes you desirable to other people and therefore more desirable to him.
Step Three: Don’t Tell Your Life Story on the First Date
Women are really open by nature. There’s a lot of banter back and forth on the first date, all the getting-to-know you stuff. Talk of past relationships may come up. You can tell him small details but don’t tell him your whole life story on the first date. Keep it general. It’s a fine line; you need to be open yet still hold some things back. We all have some craziness in our pasts so don’t go there, not until much later. Don’t lie, but don’t give it all up, either. I’ve made this mistake so many times I cannot even count because, truly, I’m very open by nature. Thing is, if he knows your whole life story after date one, where is there left to go? What’s he left wanting? Be a little mysterious. Which leads us to….
Step Four: Be Interested in HIM
Guys like to think they’re important, so if you’re yammering on and on about yourself and all the crap he could care less about he’s going to tune out and you’re done. Ask questions about him – his job, his family, etc – but keep them general – personal but not too personal. Maintain eye contact. Touch his arm from time to time or lightly brush up against him, but keep it light and keep it limited. This will let him know you’re interested on a physical, non-verbal level. Ask him questions about himself and, even if it’s boring, act like it’s fascinating. This will boost his ego and your stock goes up just a little bit more.
(Tip: He doesn’t give two shits about your shoes, just might like looking at them if they’re hot. They tell their own story. Men are visual creatures – let the visual speak for itself. Don’t ask for validation that they’re hot, either.)
This isn’t to say make the date all about him, and in no way should you be less who you are just to make him feel like Krull the Warrior King, but you need to make it an interesting interplay between the two of you. If he’s interested in you he’s going to ask questions about you right back, so it should be a fairly even playing field. And on that note, refer back to Step Three; they go hand in hand.
Step Five: Don’t Give “It” Up on the First Date
This should be obvious. I don’t care how well the date is going and how much fire is between the two of you, DO NOT give up that arse on the first date. Or on the second date. Or even the third. He needs to know you, desire you and respect you first and he’s not going to get to “that” level until he really gets to know who you are. If he’s really interested in you and wants to date you and not just Tap That, then this should be no problem. If he tries to get physical early on and you slam on the brakes and don’t hear back from him after, he was just looking for a booty call and you don’t want to date him anyway. If he really wants you, he’ll keep coming back. Conversely, don’t tell him you have a rule, such as “I won’t ever sleep with a guy until we’ve been out on five dates,” because this just gives him a goal to meet/break and could be counter-productive. Just set your own standard and hold to it.
Be fun and playful, be dynamic and attractive, but be the woman he can’t live without. Make him work for it, girl. You’re worth it!
Despite some of the steps I’ve given and the hard lessons I’ve learned – and believe me, I’ve dated so much I should have a Degree in it – the rules of dating are not finite. Every situation is going to be different and every relationship has its own nuances so you’re going to have to bob and weave to adapt. The part that should always remain finite: RESPECT YOURSELF. If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will. Hold yourself to a high standard and he will follow suit. Remember: the energy you feel inside is going to mirrored on the outside, no matter how hard you try to put on a front, so don’t try to fake it. If you don’t feel it, you’re not ready to put yourself out there.
Now, with a slap on the ass and a “GO TEAM!” you’re ready to hit the dating field! It’s a tough field to play on and only the strong make it to the finals so practice makes perfect. Date, date, date! The next guy you meet may or may not be Mr. Perfect (And – Bonus Tip – Don’t talk yourself into the fact that he is something he isn’t! If there are red flags waving, no butterflies, or you’re saying, “Well, maybe if I go out with him again I might feel something... YOU WON’T! Cut him loose!!)
Remember: if he’s not calling you, he’s not into you, so let him go. Men are very simple creatures, despite the fact that they seem so complicated.
- They want a woman who will make them feel like a man.
- They don’t want to feel intimated or immasculated. Give them positive feedback.
- They want to be the aggressors. Let him come to you.
- They can’t stand women who are needy or who get too serious, too quickly. (If they do, they’re probably inclined to co-dependency and you should run for the hills.)
- They like to be the focus of your attention and respond to non-verbal actions.
- They don’t really care very much about the details. Keep it simple.
- They don’t read into things like we do and are not spending their days trying to figure out if what you just texted him meant more than what was on the surface. Things usually are exactly the way they appear.
Set your standards, be yourself, hold onto You while looking for Him and you’ll be just fine!