The Visit

•May 29, 2013 • Leave a Comment

It’s been so long yet here you are. You walk through my door and it’s as if you never left. Your kiss familiar, your hold many moments longer, neither one of us wants to let go. There’s that feeling that, when we embrace for the first time after this extended absence, it as though we have to acclimate and accept that we’re real. Tangible. Not going to disappear if we let go. Afraid to let go. Relishing in each other. I bury my face in your neck and drink you in. Inhale… Exhale. My shoulders relax. Completion.

We jump into the old rhythm easily. Conversation is light doing the “catch up thing”. I busy myself making you tea, my heart fluttering, happy and unbelieving that you’re in front of me once again.

As time passes and our bodies move closer we don’t want to break contact. A hand on the leg, my fingers brushing the back of your neck, your fingers brushing my cheek, hip to hip. We talk into the wee hours, not saying all of the things that we want to say but knowing we eventually have to Go There.

Throughout the night your body moves closer and closer. I move; you move. Shoulder to ankle, feet entwined. And I know that I adore you because your feet don’t repel me like every other human’s feet do. We sleep. Deeply. We are comfortable together. Familiar. Your snores music to my ears. A sound only a lover can love. When we wake in the morning you have moved me to the edge of the massive bed, an effort to stay at my side.

The last night. We avoid Going There as long as we can. Sharing music, laughing, my head in your lap. I drink you in, afraid to take my eyes from you, afraid you’ll disappear. Knowing you’re about to disappear in mere hours. You call me “Beautiful Girl” and it makes me shine. Then…

Silence.

We start. We say all the things we have been avoiding. Going deeper than we ever have. The man I felt as though I knew inside and out reveals more than he ever has, a sign to me that his heart is beating closer to mine, sharing the rhythm we’ve been moving toward for years. We go just far enough to be spent and then curl together in sleep. This time I feel you, as the night passes, not quite as close as before as if you’re unconsciously separating as you know we inevitably must do in a few hours. I wake to your grey eyes and want to hold them. I take a mental snapshot. Click. I spray your cologne on my wrist so I can smell it throughout the day after you leave.

We part, most questions answered but the ones left unanswered a much deeper chasm. Yet I feel peace because I know you’ve come back to me, at least for these few days and it’s enough. This time. And now I’ll wait for the time when you will walk through my door again and I can nervously make your tea with my heart fluttering, happy and disbelieving that you’re in front of me. We’ll move into the same rhythm again and perhaps go deeper next time until maybe…..just maybe, we’ll finally get to the place where, when we part, the chasm will merely be the absence of you and not absence of our uncertain future.

Imperceptibly

•November 9, 2012 • Leave a Comment

(Original post date November 9th, 9:49am)

I’m connected to you. Irrevocably, insistently, inevitably, perceptibly… It unhinges me. I’ll be sailing along through life and then something will remind me. Of that color in your eyes when you look at me, how they imperceptibly, only to me, deepen a little bit greyer in the way that’s reserved only for me. The way your eyes crinkle at the edges when you find something I say amusing. My heart warms and I store it for when it inevitably chills when you’re gone.

Do you feel it too? The pull. I’m there but I’m not there…? Where are you when it strikes? Is there a trigger, a sound, a song, a smell? Do you feel me when I close my eyes and call for you? Perceptibly. Persistently.

At times I can’t breathe. I catch your smell on the wind, close my eyes and time stands still for a moment. I pretend you’re standing right in front of me, your lips hovering over mine. When I open my eyes and you’re not there that scent blows a hole into my chest that doesn’t close. Imperceptible to everyone but me.

It never closes. Hear that whistling, the wind in the eaves? It’s the wind roaring through.

I love/hate that I’m incompatible for anyone else. You did that. Years ago when you walked through my door with The Kiss I was found. How can you be found when you didn’t realize you were lost? When we are together there is peace. The elephants in the room gallop silently underneath our feet as we drink each other in.

Holding your hand in my own – it fits so perfectly, as do our bodies as we lay side-by-side, foreheads touching, eyes meeting, souls unquestioning. My body was made to fit yours. I sleep deeply and dream of you.

Yet hearts, minds and obligations oh-so-not imperceptibly rule our world.

Obligations.

When you’re with me all of the questions go away in those moments. I renew, able to conquer the chasm of time and graciously accept all the obligations that will separate us once again. Imperceptibly to anyone but me…..us.

Then when you leave….always, always leaving….You’re gone even before you leave. In your eyes, checking out, on to the next gig. You’re off on your next venture and I watch you depart. I am lost each and every time. Resolved to part with a wave and a smile, the hurt hiding imperceptibly yet at the same time the questions of our lives will build…build…build. Shall I write them out and see if it can pack the hole in my chest with the ream of stripped paper…?

Can I ride one of those strips, have it blow on the wind, perhaps into your pocket? Imperceptibly, I’ll lie there quietly, feeling you move, curl into your warmth, drink in your scent and feel the cavern slowly fill until, imperceptibly, it will finally be gone and I can breathe again. I will lie, imperceptible, until maybe the answer on the slip of paper is the words, the key to the beginning of our happy ending. Then, it will all be worth it.

At that moment the hole will close and perhaps we’ll both find the peace we’ve sought for so many years. At that moment it will be….perceptible. Once again. Finally.

On My Soapbox – Facebook Needs a Break

•November 8, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I think it’s time to step away from social media for awhile, specifically Facebook. Twitter is relatively safe but Facebook is about to make me “self-combust”. Friends? Really? Who has 500 real friends? I don’t. I have, like, four. Sure, there are people I like to stay in touch with but do these people really know me? Do they know what makes me tick? Nope. I’ve also found that you can’t be “safe” on Facebook. You can’t post opinions or real thoughts because there’s no anonymity. And people can be pretty vicious when they are hiding behind an application and don’t have to speak directly to your face.

I posted the following on my Facebook account today and I think it pretty well sums-up my opnion about That Damned Site. Will I say there? Yup. Will I say things I shouldn’t? Yup. Will I allow anyone to get in my face & make me feel bad about myself again there? NOPE.

With that…

“I want to share a perfect example of why I should have never allowed or engaged in political discussion on Facebook. I unfriended someone today (mutual) because they attacked me on a personal level because I said I was tired of hearing about politics. I won’t go into who, the reasons or exact details but it ended with this person saying they were “disappointed in me” and I wasn’t the person they “thought I was”.
I can’t even tell you what this person looks like. I don’t remember him. I’m not even sure how we were “friends” (And I won’t even get into why we have so many “friends” on Facebook who aren’t really FRIENDS at all.). But he got very personal with me, hit me below the belt and made assumptions about my character, made comments toward me and my family – all from me being “tired of hearing about politics”. I became a bad American because I was tired. I became a person of low character who didn’t have any experience with what it felt like to be afflicted by military service because I was tired. I became a person who didn’t know what it was like to have a bad outcome of war because I was tired. Oh, and of course, I became a “typical Democrat” because I was tired. (Btw, I’m not a Democrat…)

So what am I trying to say, really? Don’t assume you KNOW someone based upon some updates you might see in a public forum.

Most sane people don’t put their entire lives on display here – and for good reason. Before unfriending this person I sent the following words, and sent them feeling the hard-learned lesson, once again, that FACEBOOK ISN’T REAL LIFE. I was hurt with his words, yes, but why should I be? I don’t know him at all…yet, it did hurt, because words DO hurt. Social media makes people much braver because they can hide behind an application and hurl words at a screen, not having to say it to someone’s face. It’s why I won’t make that mistake again and why I’m sharing it here now. Maybe someone besides me will learn the lesson and perhaps think before you “speak” in this public forum. I said the following to him (edited for content) and I’ll say it in general – if you don’t know me TRULY, don’t make assumptions about what I know, live and feel:

“When I said I was tired of it all I meant politics IN GENERAL. I AM sick of it! I’m tired of people making it personal and having to DEFEND myself for believing something. I have that right – to be tired of it. All I’m trying to get across to you is that you don’t need to go there and don’t have the RIGHT to go there with someone you don’t really know. And especially in a public forum like this. The part you weren’t getting is that you are personally attacking me OVER POLITICS! It’s ridiculous! THIS is all I wanted you to consider. You know nothing about me. To say I’m not the person you think I am? You’re DISAPPOINTED IN ME? Seriously? You don’t even know me! Who might *I* be, exactly? Because you certainly had no idea about who I am AT THE ROOT, who my family is, what they’ve been through, my core belief system, what has happened in my life, who my family and friends are, what they’ve been through, what I experience on a day to day basis. Do you know any of that? If so, then you can hurl your disappointment. Until then, save it.”

And with that, I’m over and out.”

Yeah. That about says it.

One For the Boys – How to Lose a Girl With One Text

•September 7, 2012 • 2 Comments

I think it’s time for some advice for the boys.

Women don’t like needy.

I don’t care how much we whine about wanting men to be more sensitive and caring, more attuned to our needs, yadda yadda. While we do want that to a degree, girls do not want a dude who comes across as desperate or needy. Instant. Turnoff. To be 100% honest, you can’t come back from that one. Once you’ve made that mistake, the candle is blown out and your shot with us becomes less than slim to none. You’d have to turn into Superman, Mr. Universe and Arie Luyendyk, Jr. (MY future husband – GIRLS – MITTS OFF!!) all wrapped into one and, even then, you probably still need to take stock and move onto the next unsuspecting woman and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD hopefully having learned from your mistakes. I’m about to educate you so pay attention. We all know you have the attention span of gnats.

There is a fine line between being caring & respectful and being needy. Don’t cross it.

Example of a Texting Exchange Comparison between Normal Dude and Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude

Normal Dude being Caring & Respectful when girlfriend is sick:

Normal Dude: Hey babe, how are you feeling? Need anything? 

Girlfriend: No, thanks though. I’m feeling pretty rotten. I think I’m just going to sleep it off. Can we talk tomorrow?

Normal Dude: Sure! Just let me know if you need anything. Hope you get to feeling better. We’ll talk soon. XO

Nicely done, Normal Dude. You came across as caring with just the right amount of attentiveness. You knew when to back off.

And now, we’ll see what happens when you have a Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude being overly-attentive and making it all about his insecurities…

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: Hey babe, how are you feeling? Do you need soup? I’ll be happy to stop and buy you whatever you need from the store, just give me a list and I’ll be there. Need Kleenex or cold medicine?

Girlfriend: No I don’t need anything, just feeling pretty rotten. I think I’m just going to sleep it off. Can we talk tomorrow?

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: Did I say something wrong? Why don’t you want to talk to me? Can’t we just text? I know you’re not feeling well. Oh, I’m so sorry… I hope I didn’t say anything to make you feel worse.

Girlfriend: Don’t worry about it. Promise, we’ll talk tomorrow.

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: Are you mad at me? Are you sure you don’t need anything?? I can bring you some Gatorade. Oh, that reminds me – are you staying hydrated?? I’m soooo worried about you! Seriously, I can be there in, like, thirty minutes.

Girlfriend: I told you, everything is fine. I’m not upset. I’m just feeling really crummy and want to go to sleep. I’m really tired. Let’s talk tomorrow, OK?

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: You ARE mad. I knew it. Please just tell me what I did wrong. I didn’t mean to make you want to not talk to me. I am almost crying here – I don’t want to upset you when you’re sick!

Girlfriend falls asleep and doesn’t answer his text. About 30 minutes pass….

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: See? This is what I’ve always told you that I’m worried about, that you’ll get tired of me and then not want to talk to me. I know it’s why you didn’t answer my text. It’s not like I’m asking to come over. I just want to text. Unless you’re achy, then your hands might hurt… I don’t want you to text if it hurts your pretty fingers.

5 Minutes pass…

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: I know you’re mad but are you OK? You haven’t answered me…I just care about you so much…

3 Minutes pass…

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: OK I’m really starting to get worried now. PLEASE ANSWER ME. I just want to know you’re OK.

2 Minutes pass…

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: Why aren’t you answering me…??????????????

2 Minutes pass…

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: HELLOO????????

1 Minute passes…

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: HELLOO?????????!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!???

1 Minute passes…

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: OK I’m seriously about to come over. I just Facebooked the girl who lives next door to you and asked her to go check on you.

Girlfriend: OMG I just fell asleep! I’m FINE. I will talk to you tomorrow! I am going to sleep now and am turning off the phone so if I don’t answer don’t go all postal on me. Jeez, it’s just a cold… I will call you in the morning. Good NIGHT.

Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude: I knew you were mad at me… I’m so sorry… I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow. *sigh* I just wanted to know you were OK because I care about you so much… : ((((((((((((( Please don’t be mad at me. Please call me right when you wake up so I know you are alright.

You get the idea. Now, this may seem like an extreme example but I have had men who act like this. It is the worst possible type of man to get involved with. You spend more time justifying normal every day stuff when it should just be a typical exchange between two people.

To any men where this exchange may look similar to a conversation you’ve had in the past (or, God forbid, had recently) – sit up and take notice: You look weak, girly and women will not want to have sex with you.

This type of man never changes, only gets worse with time. You give them an inch; they message your entire Facebook friend list.

If you see this type of exchange happening early on – Run, Forrest, RUUUN!!!! Unless, of course, you are a co-dependent-seeking woman in which case, go for it, PLEASE!, because that’s one less Needy, Clingy and Desperate Dude that’s out there that I might run into and have to make up a fake break-up story just to get him off my back…

Boys Really DO Like to Chase Girls Around the Playground

•August 30, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Ever wonder why the guy isn’t asking you out again when everything seems to be going so well?  You meet, exchange numbers. He’s texting you all day long, there’s this great tension build-up. You go out. You have a fantastic first date, maybe even a great kiss as he drops you at your door. You may have another date, same kind of scenario. You feel like you’re on the Roller Coaster of Love and that you’re heading down the spiral of coupledom.

But then.

The texting slows down. You realize you’re texting him more than he’s texting you. You have mention of the third date but he hasn’t committed to anything yet. You want to see when that date will be so you even suggest that you go out on Saturday. He replies with something innocuous but doesn’t commit to the date and then you find that the communications quickly go downhill.

You had all this chemistry! The conversation was so awesome! And, WOW, that kiss! Why isn’t he calling?? What went wrong!? He seemed so into me when we were out… What did I do?

It’s because you became the masculine energy in the relationship. Boys want to be the aggressors. If you take on the role of pursuing him, he becomes immasculated and WHAMMO! He’s on to the next girl who’s going to make him feel like Manly Man.

I think women have this idea that, hey, it’s the 21st Century. We’re our own women. We should be able to ask a guy out. We can pick up the check! It’s what women do now! But the thing is, it goes against the chemically-bound roles that are ingrained deep inside. I know, I know…I don’t like it anymore than you do. I’m an extremely independent woman. I make my own money. I have my own home. I haven’t had to rely on anyone except myself for a very long time so why should I cowtow to acting girly when I’m everything but that?!

We can’t fight nature. You can still be your own woman and get the boy; you just have to know how to walk the line. I’m not suggesting that you flutter your eyelashes and start dotting your i’s with hearts, but what I am suggesting is that you make yourself just a little less available. Be a challenge. Let the boy chase you around the playground for a little bit. If you’re too available, too easily attainable, he’s outta there.

Follow some of these simple rules and you’ll have him eating out of your hand in no time – if he’s really interested.

Step One: Stop Texting

It’s fine for random checking-in and chatting throughout the day but if a guy is going to ask you out on a date he needs to at least have the level of respect to call you up and ask you out. In today’s technology age I think that women have lowered our standards way too much. It’s so easy to just pop someone a text or send an email – and that’s exactly the problem. They don’t have to make any effort.

It’s going to up to you to set that standard. You don’t have to be a bitch about it but you do have to hold him to the standards you set – and he’s going to respect you for it. If he tries to ask you out via text, just reply something like, “Maybe…maybe not…You should call me to see what my answer is…” If he doesn’t, or if he’s not willing to go the extra mile to have a physical conversation to ask you out on a date, then he’s not interested enough to truly date you and you need to move on to the next dude.

The second benefit of this is that your standards are raised in his mind by doing this. He is going to realize, right from the very beginning, that you’re not just a fly-by-night chick – or worse yet, a possible booty call – and your stock will rise.

Thirdly, if he’s not texting you or replying to your texts, don’t ramp up your efforts in an attempt to get a response. He would answer if he wanted to and you’ll only seem needy and desperate, two things guys just looooove….Sarcasm noted? Good.

Step Two: Be Busy. Have Your Own Fabulous Social Life

If a guy sees that you’re a busy girl, with a great social life, this makes you more of a challenge. I’m not suggesting you go all Clueless and send yourself flowers and chocolates, but if a guy sees that you have an active social life your stock rises even further. If he thinks you’re sitting home every night with the cat you’re much more available to him and, therefore, less of a challenge. If you’re active with friends and in social settings that makes you desirable to other people and therefore more desirable to him.

Step Three: Don’t Tell Your Life Story on the First Date

Women are really open by nature. There’s a lot of banter back and forth on the first date, all the getting-to-know you stuff. Talk of past relationships may come up. You can tell him small details but don’t tell him your whole life story on the first date. Keep it general. It’s a fine line; you need to be open yet still hold some things back. We all have some craziness in our pasts so don’t go there, not until much later. Don’t lie, but don’t give it all up, either. I’ve made this mistake so many times I cannot even count because, truly, I’m very open by nature. Thing is, if he knows your whole life story after date one, where is there left to go? What’s he left wanting? Be a little mysterious. Which leads us to….

Step Four: Be Interested in HIM

Guys like to think they’re important, so if you’re yammering on and on about yourself and all the crap he could care less about he’s going to tune out and you’re done. Ask questions about him – his job, his family, etc –  but keep them general – personal but not too personal. Maintain eye contact. Touch his arm from time to time or lightly brush up against him, but keep it light and keep it limited. This will let him know you’re interested on a physical, non-verbal level. Ask him questions about himself and, even if it’s boring, act like it’s fascinating. This will boost his ego and your stock goes up just a little bit more.

(Tip: He doesn’t give two shits about your shoes, just might like looking at them if they’re hot. They tell their own story. Men are visual creatures – let the visual speak for itself. Don’t ask for validation that they’re hot, either.)

This isn’t to say make the date all about him, and in no way should you be less who you are just to make him feel like Krull the Warrior King, but you need to make it an interesting interplay between the two of you. If he’s interested in you he’s going to ask questions about you right back, so it should be a fairly even playing field. And on that note, refer back to Step Three; they go hand in hand.

Step Five: Don’t Give “It” Up on the First Date

This should be obvious. I don’t care how well the date is going and how much fire is between the two of you, DO NOT give up that arse on the first date. Or on the second date. Or even the third. He needs to know you, desire you and respect you first and he’s not going to get to “that” level until he really gets to know who you are. If he’s really interested in you and wants to date you and not just Tap That, then this should be no problem. If he tries to get physical early on and you slam on the brakes and don’t hear back from him after, he was just looking for a booty call and you don’t want to date him anyway. If he really wants you, he’ll keep coming back. Conversely, don’t tell him you have a rule, such as “I won’t ever sleep with a guy until we’ve been out on five dates,” because this just gives him a goal to meet/break and could be counter-productive. Just set your own standard and hold to it.

Be fun and playful, be dynamic and attractive, but be the woman he can’t live without. Make him work for it, girl. You’re worth it!

Despite some of the steps I’ve given and the hard lessons I’ve learned – and believe me, I’ve dated so much I should have a Degree in it – the rules of dating are not finite. Every situation is going to be different and every relationship has its own nuances so you’re going to have to bob and weave to adapt. The part that should always remain finite: RESPECT YOURSELF. If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will. Hold yourself to a high standard and he will follow suit. Remember: the energy you feel inside is going to mirrored on the outside, no matter how hard you try to put on a front, so don’t try to fake it. If you don’t feel it, you’re not ready to put yourself out there.

Now, with a slap on the ass and a “GO TEAM!” you’re ready to hit the dating field! It’s a tough field to play on and only the strong make it to the finals so practice makes perfect. Date, date, date! The next guy you meet may or may not be Mr. Perfect (And – Bonus Tip – Don’t talk yourself into the fact that he is something he isn’t! If there are red flags waving, no butterflies, or you’re saying, “Well, maybe if I go out with him again I might feel something..YOU WON’T! Cut him loose!!)

Remember: if he’s not calling you, he’s not into you, so let him go. Men are very simple creatures, despite the fact that they seem so complicated.

  • They want a woman who will make them feel like a man.
  • They don’t want to feel intimated or immasculated. Give them positive feedback.
  • They want to be the aggressors. Let him come to you.
  • They can’t stand women who are needy or who get too serious, too quickly. (If they do, they’re probably inclined to co-dependency and you should run for the hills.)
  • They like to be the focus of your attention and respond to non-verbal actions.
  • They don’t really care very much about the details. Keep it simple.
  • They don’t read into things like we do and are not spending their days trying to figure out if what you just texted him meant more than what was on the surface.  Things usually are exactly the way they appear.

Set your standards, be yourself, hold onto You while looking for Him and you’ll be just fine!

GO TEAM!!

Dear Match.com…

•May 14, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I’m weary. This Internet dating stuff is downright brutal! I think I need to stop looking… It’s almost like every time I start to look I get so discouraged that the negative energy takes over and then I can’t keep an open heart.

Speaking of open hearts…

My little girl bought me an open heart necklace for Mother’s Day, picked all by her little 10 year old self from Kay Jewelers. I was so proud… But at the same time wondering if it wasn’t a sign. I’ve felt my heart close of lately, mostly because the last three guys I’ve gone out with have been total crash & burns. (and this doesn’t include all the failed phone calls and email convos started!) Maybe her gift, if I wear it every day will help me remember to keep my heart open.

But, y’all, the last three men I’ve met haven’t helped the situation.

The first just had no spark. We went out on a couple dates, I helped the guy find a job when he got laid off and then now he has to concentrate on his new job and not dating. Thanks, dude. Major props for burning that bridge.

Second guy was great on the first date and then on the second date was such a douche! Talking about how he guilts his mom into buying him stuff when he makes a 6 figure salary, screwing his ex wife into paying for furniture for their daughter. So gross. And didn’t walk me to my car in a dark parking lot!

And then guy #3’s pictures were at least 5-7 years old. Dude, at least be honest a represent your true self. Show the beer gut in the photos!

I feel like I’m attracting guys 20 years older who want a young wife or guys who just want to hook up. Aren’t there any real, honest, true men left??? It’s like couple who are trying to get pregnant. It happens when they stop trying… I’m very honest & open with every new person I meet. Maybe I should hold back & be more elusive.

What’s the concensus? Do I renew that subscription or slink off defeated once again? There was a cute boy who just winked…maybe just one more month.

Lady Luck, come on girl – bring it!!

I’m Baaack!

•March 23, 2012 • Leave a Comment

WOW, it has been a long time. A year! Evidently when I start internet dating again I need to come here to talk about it, yo? Obviously the last post referenced me talking about a person coming back into my life that obviously didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. Closure. Yes. Still a friend. Yes. Did he change? NO. Reference earlier comments re: Fool me once… I’m not upset though. Things are good.

Internet dating is exactly as I remembered it to be the last time around. Drudgery, mostly, but I am coming at it with a different perspective. I realize now that I don’t need a guy. I seriously don’t. Would it be nice? Sure. Can I see a guy who is full of shit from 100 yards away? DEFINITELY.  Are there some cute boys out there? DEFINITELY. There have been a few dates, met some nice people, neither exciting nor notable, but, hey, at least I’m out there. I met one of my very best friends in the World on The Site and we still talk a couple times a week.

One thing I have noticed, though, is that I’m attracting a different type of guy and it’s making me feel fucking old. Or making me feel young. I don’t know whether to be flattered or make an appointment for Botox. Most of the people who are winking and hitting me up are at least 15 years my senior and balding with a paunch, but successful. They want a trophy wife, possibly? (Not that I’m boasting that I’m a trophy but that’s where the mind goes…) And the guys who are my age…are they hitting up girls 15 years younger? I sure hope not but I suspect that’s what’s happening. Have I hit The Zone? And I’m not talking about a good Zone, here. I’m talking about The Zone “they” talk about where a woman hits her late 30’s and becomes a pariah in the dating world. Too old to be young and too young to be old.

I’m not hatin’, tho. I still think there’s someone out there for me and he’s gonna have a full head of hair unless he chooses to shave it all off, which I find oddly very sexy. I’m not even going to mention that I have this thing for…oh God should I even say it…?

Pitbull.

*shudder*

I do! Shaved head, cocky, cute. Damn. Not that I feel the need to troll the world of ho-bag-surrounded rappers or anything but it’s a type. Also guys with cute eyes and a good smile, gets me every time. Maybe I should just post my profile here and see what happens (no way).

Anyhoooo….

Not connecting so much with the canvas these days so here I am, once again, to regale you with the himstakes (I have a couple queued up.) and maybe even a happy ending one day. The coolest part? I already have my happy ending exactly where I am so if it gets happier, that’s all just a bonus.

Plus – CAKE! Win-win!

Back – and Happy?

•February 23, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I haven’t posted in a long time. As I’ve mentioned before my creative outlets ebb and flow. There will be months where I’m primarily painting and not writing. Other times I’ll find my love of the words again and the ideas will be spilling out of my..er..pen? Keyboard. Whatever. In the past year I’ve been painting a lot but I’ve also been finding that I’ve been in a creative slump. It happens. When I’m in that mindset I can’t force the words to come and I can’t force the brush to produce anything that doesn’t feel forced. I will say that my most creative times come out of intense emotion, whether I’m very angry, hurt or happy. It’s the times when I’m on an even keel that nothing comes out, which is unfortunate, but is also part of an artistic soul – at least my artistic soul.

That being said, I’ve actually been putting out some really good pieces here and there,  if I do say so myself:

Not too bad, huh?

The past few months have been… interesting. The Him-stake from the last post resurfaced and proved himself to be as much as a douchbag as I originally thought. I got some closure, however, and realized that my original opinion of him was correct. Oddly, he turned out to be an even bigger dick than I thought he was the first round, which was pretty hard to top. I did get to tell him that I burned his book. (Shivee!) I cannot even tell you how satisfying that was. I felt guilty for about a minute & a half until he showed his true colors. Again. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice… The best part of it all was realizing that I wasn’t wrong.

I love it when I’m right.

The reason I’m writing now? I’m happy. Truly happy. I haven’t felt this in SO long. I was talking to a woman at work earlier this week and she stopped, cocked her head to the side and said, “Man, you look really good. You’re glowing. You look happy,” and I realized that I was. What an amazing feeling!

Over the past few months I have been talking with someone from my past, someone I never thought would enter my life again, but he has, and it’s good. I had my doubts. (Read: shame me once…) But I also made the decision that I was going to just let things roll. I wasn’t going to over-analyze like I always do. I wasn’t going to dwell on the past or read into things. I was going to take it easy and be casual. I wasn’t going to let my heart move at warp speed or make the situation anything it wasn’t. These are the mistakes I’ve always made and they’re detrimental ones if I am totally honest with myself. They lead to insecurity and lack of strength and that always translates to the relationship – and subsequently lack of a relationship. I made up my mind when we started talking again that I was just going to go with the flow, and I have, and look what’s happening…  And even if it doesn’t turn into anything, that’s OK. I feel good about it. Feel good about having him in my life, as my friend, and hopefully something else.

*shrug*

Go figure.

Burn the Pretense

•September 11, 2010 • 1 Comment

I’ve spent my life operating under the philosophy that you should be nice to people. You should respect them and treat them like you would want to be treated. It’s a fairly simple concept, really. It’s not hard to say ask yourself the question, “How would that make me feel if he/she did that do me?” If I would be hurt/angered by it, don’t do it. Simple enough.

What I have been finding is that most people don’t operate this way, expecially when you’re in the world of dating and relationships. I can only remember a handful of times when I’ve dated or was in a relationship with someone who really cared about my heart, really cared about how their actions could be perceived, really cared that their behavior might hurt another person.

I’m, quite honestly, sent over the edge by my most recent experience, one that validated to me, once again, that most people in this world don’t care about those things, so I suppose I should disclaimer this post by saying:

I’ve had it. Really, really, REALLY had it. Internet dating can go blow a big bag of dicks. There isn’t a genuine person left in that world.

I came to a realization today; I am no longer going to live my life with even a shred of untruth. I am no longer going to not say what I want to say. I am no longer going to put aside anything I really think because of some misguided belief that I should hold back in order to be successful in a relationship. I’m usually this way by nature anyway, but I have been known to censor a bit here and there just to be nice, to give a good first impression. I’m an open book, typically, but when it’s a feeling about YOU I’ll usually just either keep my mouth shut or deflect because it’s the NICE THING TO DO.

What’s the point?

If the guys I meet are all going to act badly, without respect for me or my heart, then why should I be the sweet one? Maybe this is why I’m still single, because I’m too nice, too caring, too respectful. I’ve always, for some reason, believed that if I was kind to everyone, especially the person I’m dating, then they will treat me similarly to how I treat them. I’m 38 years old and I’ve finally learned the lesson that it’s NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. I still feel like we’re in 7th grade and I went to that all-grade party at my crush’s house and no one told me the cold night air had….perked-up my nipply areas ans that the backlighting and bonfire was giving me backlighting & a natural set up right out of a porn. Plus, the entire grade’s boy population was getting chubbies because I had no clue. Even the boy I was going out with, who had always been sweet, didn’t clue me in on the aerola vs. white shirt situation, just let it go, let me be the laughing stock.

Moral of the story: No matter how nice the guy seems at first, no matter what kind of promises he makes, he’s FULL OF SHIT and is going to show his true colors eventually.

Now, if you’re the last guy on the planet who actually is nice and desires to be in a relationship, I apologize, but I gotta tell you, I’m now going to operate under the assumption that there isn’t a man left who can act with even a modicum of good behavior because it keeps being proven to me over and over that there isn’t many who can.

This has ultimately led me to the decision that I’m done with the pretense. I’m going to say what I think, when I think it. I am not going to hold back anymore just because you might take it the wrong way. Now, I will be respectful – I always am – but I will no longer allow even the slightest bit of ungenuine words, thoughts, or behavior in my life. This isn’t going to only be with the people I date. This is going to be with everyone. Watch out.

For example:

If you talk to me in a little-witty-baby voice and I think you sound like a total douchebag, I’m not going to close my eyes and act like I don’t hear you. I am going to tell you that you sound like a douchebag.

If you feed me line after line of ‘possible soulmate’ talk and discuss our future together when we’ve only just met, I’m going to tell you that you’re full of shit.

If my gut tells me that you are full of said shit and I ignore it because I got swept up in your fantasy and ability to speak lyrically the onus is on me for letting it happen, but then I’m going to walk away.

If I was questioning our physical attraction when we met I’m not going to stay through lunch, faking it, just because I want to be nice or give you a chance because I thought you might be a good guy (you weren’t).

If I think that the fact that your car got keyed because karma came back to bite you in the ass for all the times you disrespected other people I’ll tell you.

And I won’t keep your book with your bullshit “new beginnings” inscription to me on my bookshelf because that would just be a LIE.

This kind of behavior is out of character for me – as an avid book lover/collector I don’t typically burn beloved tomes – but something in me snapped today. I needed an outlet. I needed a voice. I needed some closure. I needed some destruction and fire. Purging of all of this pretense and bad energy is completely liberating. Plus, I love it when my hair smells like a bonfire.

Cheers, y’all! This new phase of my life is gonna be FUN!

Whaddya say? Care to join me? Call someone on their shit today and then drop me a line because I want to hear ALL about it.

The Ex is Back

•March 4, 2010 • 7 Comments

What do you do about people in your life who just will NOT disappear?

I have posted before about my ex-husband, the low-life scumbag that he is. I tried to be rather flippant about the whole thing, put a humerous spin on the relationship, but as he has recently discovered this blog and has taken it upon himself to inundate it with viscious comments I am left with no choice but to bring the claws out. You asked for it.

I haven’t been posting a lot in the last several months. Things have been busy, life has been good, and as is par for the course for my creative outlets, I have been painting much more. My emotional outlet has been better served on the canvas rather than the server.

But he changed that.

Comments were posted in his usual manipulative, nasty style. He somehow found my blog and seemed an eeeeety beeeety upset about my post about him. Honestly, there wasn’t a thing in there that wasn’t 100% true. Guess the truth hurts, eh, Bart?

Here are the parts I didn’t tell you, Dear Reader.

I spent the better part of 8 years being manipulated and abused in some form. He took every hurtful thing that’s ever happened to me in my life, every trigger that he could find, and locked it in his vault. Then, when it suited his purpose he pulled them out and used them in ways that would make Ghengis Khan cringe. He used the fact that he had hurtful things happen in his own life and leveraged them in ways that made me feel sorry for him, put me in the category of ‘just another person in his life that hurt him’ so that I would bend and go against my better judgement. I sacrificed my own needs for his. I lost myself in his total manipulation and was bent so far off my axis by the end of the relationship I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.

I’m not saying there weren’t things for which I wasn’t culpable. I played my own part. I’m sure I had my moments and caused my own share of fights. But nothing – nothing – warrants being physically or emotionally abused by anyone. EVER.

People often ask, “Why didn’t you just leave if it was that bad?” Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship can shake their heads with me. If only it were that easy…

Want to know the night that broke me?

Let me preface this story by saying – I hate it. It’s such an Oprah redneck cliche story it makes me ill that I was even a part of it. It’s SO not me… But it happened to me and, because of that, it’s important to share.

He had me stuck in this farmhouse in the middle of a cornfield in Indiana. I was so completely isolated from everyone but his own family and friends I literally had NO ONE. My parents were far away, out of state. He had phased out all of my friends over the years and had allowed only his family and friends to be a part of my life by this point. I gave in eventually because it wasn’t worth the fight…as was the case with most things regarding him. If I wanted to go out without him there was so much whining & bitching it was easier to avoid it than stand my ground.

The weird part is that I’m a really strong, willful person. I’m fiercely independent & to this day it baffles me how I ended up with a person who could do what he did. I think it happens gradually and, before you know it, you’re too far in it to get out… Your sense of self dies & you question everything inside.

About six months prior to The Night I had gotten a computer and the internet. I found a world to connect to, finally. I had people who cared about me, who listened, who supported. I had people he didn’t know. I started to feel the spark of life flicker and burn and was slowly regaining my inner strength. He sensed this and ramped-up his manipulation. The desperation became apparent and grew on a daily basis. He hated the computer, hated me being on it, was suspicious of everything and everyone. He knew it was a lifeline and the threat was real. He sensed his hold breaking.

One night I was online chatting. He was drinking and smoking in the adjoining room. He started to bitch & moan for me to get off the computer. Started to get angry. I refused and he grew angrier. The fight escalated within seconds and before I knew it I was pinned on the couch, his knees on my shoulders and his hands around my throat. I couldn’t breathe. My forearms were throbbing from where he had grabbed me and threw me down. Seconds later a shotgun appeared. He pointed it at me, then pointed it at the computer, then back at me. All the while he was screaming at me, wild-eyed. I was calm; I didn’t fight back. I remember thinking, “This is finally it. This is the night he’s going to kill me.”

I’m not sure what broke the fight up but he tore-off in his truck and I sat on the couch, gulping air, shaking, thankful. Before he left he was voicing threats to end his own life and I remember, for the first time, having absolutely no reaction to it. It was old hat, the same old story. It had no effect. I had worked for a counseling agency and knew of a law in Indiana of a mandatory 72-hour detention rule if someone threatens to kill themselves. I called the police, told them of his suicide talk. Although I could have pressed assault charges on him, I didn’t. All I wanted was for him to get help. For him to be away. Within the hour the police were at the door, taking him away to be treated. I had three days and, even then, I didn’t pack up and leave.

But the thread had been broken. The next morning I got up and, after my shower, stood in front of the mirror. I saw the two bruises on each of my forearms, the perfect shape of his hands, and I remember feeling dead inside and relieved that he wouldn’t be back that day. There was a quiet fire starting to burn and it was on that day that I knew: I’m finally ready.

Within the month I started to devise my plan. I saw a lawyer, filed for divorce. My lawyer, knowing the situation, held all records until the day I left, even checked with me to make sure I was well out of town before he filed & delivered anything to Bart. I bought concert tickets to one of his favorite artists – 4 of them, a pair for us, a pair for our friends. We planned a night out in Indianapolis, 1 1/2 hours away. I had a transfer set within my current job to another store in Texas. If everything went as planned I would have at least 6 hours to get out of the house. He was quite the agoraphobe, so I knew it was going to be dicey to even get him to go to the concert but I laid my plan out to the Universe and hoped that God would keep everything on track.

He did.

I faked a “work emergency” at the last minute and urged him to go without me. He was hesitant. I think some part of him knew, but he went anyway. Meanwhile, earlier that day a small U-Haul had been rented and my car taken to a local service shop to have a hitch put on. My parents flew in; my brother stood by, waiting for my call that I was on my way to his house where they all waited, as scared as me. He stopped by work that night to check-in before leaving for the concert and I prayed he wouldn’t see the U-Haul parked behind the store. When he walked away I felt nothing.

Within 30 minutes I was on my way to my former home. I loaded only what I needed and left most things behind. I didn’t care, didn’t want any reminders of our life together. I left the box with my wedding dress in the closet.

Somehow his Mom caught wind. I don’t know if she was driving by or what but she saw my car with the trailer and stopped while I was loading. She pleaded with me not to leave in that way but there was nothing she could say to dissuage me. She knew what he had done to me, knew why I was finally leaving. When I told her the story of the night that brought it all to a culmination she looked shocked, but outwardly protected her boy who could do no wrong. But she knew. It was hard. I loved his family as my own and I hated hurting them. But I wasn’t going to sacrifice myself any longer.

I broken-heartedly said goodbye to my beloved cocker spaniel, Rusty, laid $1000 cash on the counter (even in leaving I still had the instinct to continue to support him…so sad) and drove away. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I still remember the feeling as I drove down the road away from that farmhouse, the intangible push behind me that spurned me on and could almost feel the weight lift as I got further and further away.

God bless my family for putting up with him through all of this. He was relentless in his phone calls. He called every member of my family, nearly every minute, over and over and over, even my elderly grandparents. They all knew what was happening and they all knew not to tell him a thing. They protected me, supported me. I think they wanted me away from him just as much as I wanted to be away from him and were ready to do anything it took to make it happen right along side me. By the time he figured out what had happened I was three states away.

It took months for the fear to subside. No…wait. Correct that. The fear still hasn’t subsided. There are remnants of him, of what he did to me, in every relationship I have had since. That fear that a person can turn on you on a dime. That they can hurt you, with their words and with their hands. There is also the fear that he will show up one day and follow-through on his threats from years before. I have a daughter to protect and, even now, when he starts with his ugliness the flight response kicks in and I fear I’ll come home one day to him waiting on me. Thankfully, I no longer live alone and have nothing to fear if he does – but it’s still there, lurking.

He always seems to find a way to worm a form of contact back in. It was years between the last contact (when he threatened to kill me and my unborn child, “I will put you both in the ditch!”) and the most recent. I picked up the phone one day and his voice was on the other end. My blood ran cold but I stayed calm. We talked for quite awhile and it was actually a nice conversation. I felt like we had put things behind us, that the years might have healed something. I answered questions, he answered questions. I thought the chapter closed. But then he started calling. He called early one morning a few days later while M and I were waking up. He called a few more times and I just shut the phone off. Again. As I have done no less than 3 times prior to that over the years.

A few months later he found my Facebook page and sent a message. In typical Bart fashion he was set off and it got ugly. I had to report the abuse and block him from my page. And now, once again, he has found this outlet and has tried to comment with ugly, horrible sentences meant to manipulate and sear me to the bone. I can hear his voice, see his eyes. I’ll never forget it.

The saddest part is that he still doesn’t get it. He is so used to playing the martyr that he has no concept of what an ugly person he has spent his life being – at least to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why, nine years later, he can’t leave me alone. Why he feels a need to search for me, to seek me out and continue to hurt me. Why can’t he just let me go? How can taking steps to hurt a person for almost SEVENTEEN YEARS be satisfying?

Bart, why can’t you just let me go?

I will say this. Everything that I’ve gone through because of him has shaped me into who I am today. I have done things I’m not proud of. I have taken paths I probably wouldn’t have taken. But in the end I don’t regret a thing, because I am who I am today because of all of those experiences. I have grown and have changed. I found myself and found a strength in me I never knew I had. And the best thing is – I never lost it. Now, I know how to say NO. I know how to stand up and end behaviors from other people that hurt me. I know the warning signs. I know what to look for. I know how to be an advocate for other women who have gone through what I’ve gone through and I know how to support them while they are still going through it. I know how to stand beside them and not give up on them.

I hope that someday he can finally see. I try very hard not to give him any of my energy but today I decided I was going to expend just a little. He won’t silence me. I won’t let fear keep me from doing anything I want to do, especially where he is involved. Will I regret posting this? Maybe. Will it disappear some time after today? Maybe. But it feels good today to say it.

I get that it’s probably hard to read about yourself in a public forum but, you know what? You got off easy, Bart. I could have had you jailed. I could have left you with nothing, but instead I decided to sever the tie and leave before either one of us died. I had the strength to do this where you did not – where you still do not. I always had the strength. You were the weak one. Always were, always will be. I talk about you here because it helps me deal with the damage inside me that you left behind – and I HAVE THAT RIGHT. I speak up for all women who have suffered violence at the hands of a man. And remember: I, so far, have not published your full name and city, so just remember, if you continue to harass me I WILL and I will use my very large online social network to broadcast it to the ends of the Earth. Leave it alone, Pal. And I still have pictures. 😉

He will never be mentioned here again. I will never put any energy into the Universe where he is concerned. His black soul might continue but I won’t allow him to invade mine any longer.