Imperceptibly

(Original post date November 9th, 9:49am)

I’m connected to you. Irrevocably, insistently, inevitably, perceptibly… It unhinges me. I’ll be sailing along through life and then something will remind me. Of that color in your eyes when you look at me, how they imperceptibly, only to me, deepen a little bit greyer in the way that’s reserved only for me. The way your eyes crinkle at the edges when you find something I say amusing. My heart warms and I store it for when it inevitably chills when you’re gone.

Do you feel it too? The pull. I’m there but I’m not there…? Where are you when it strikes? Is there a trigger, a sound, a song, a smell? Do you feel me when I close my eyes and call for you? Perceptibly. Persistently.

At times I can’t breathe. I catch your smell on the wind, close my eyes and time stands still for a moment. I pretend you’re standing right in front of me, your lips hovering over mine. When I open my eyes and you’re not there that scent blows a hole into my chest that doesn’t close. Imperceptible to everyone but me.

It never closes. Hear that whistling, the wind in the eaves? It’s the wind roaring through.

I love/hate that I’m incompatible for anyone else. You did that. Years ago when you walked through my door with The Kiss I was found. How can you be found when you didn’t realize you were lost? When we are together there is peace. The elephants in the room gallop silently underneath our feet as we drink each other in.

Holding your hand in my own – it fits so perfectly, as do our bodies as we lay side-by-side, foreheads touching, eyes meeting, souls unquestioning. My body was made to fit yours. I sleep deeply and dream of you.

Yet hearts, minds and obligations oh-so-not imperceptibly rule our world.

Obligations.

When you’re with me all of the questions go away in those moments. I renew, able to conquer the chasm of time and graciously accept all the obligations that will separate us once again. Imperceptibly to anyone but me…..us.

Then when you leave….always, always leaving….You’re gone even before you leave. In your eyes, checking out, on to the next gig. You’re off on your next venture and I watch you depart. I am lost each and every time. Resolved to part with a wave and a smile, the hurt hiding imperceptibly yet at the same time the questions of our lives will build…build…build. Shall I write them out and see if it can pack the hole in my chest with the ream of stripped paper…?

Can I ride one of those strips, have it blow on the wind, perhaps into your pocket? Imperceptibly, I’ll lie there quietly, feeling you move, curl into your warmth, drink in your scent and feel the cavern slowly fill until, imperceptibly, it will finally be gone and I can breathe again. I will lie, imperceptible, until maybe the answer on the slip of paper is the words, the key to the beginning of our happy ending. Then, it will all be worth it.

At that moment the hole will close and perhaps we’ll both find the peace we’ve sought for so many years. At that moment it will be….perceptible. Once again. Finally.

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~ by cinderellawasdelusional on November 9, 2012.

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