Adventures in Internet Dating, v2.0

I switched sites and, let me tell you, this one is no better than the former. In fact, it might quite possibly be worse. For a site that boasts matching people on 437 levels of compatibility their interface blows a bag of dicks.

I’d like to preface this post by saying that I enter into internet dating with a positive attitude. Every time. When I sign up and publish my profile  it is with a wish and a prayer. A renewed determination that I’m going to find the man of my dreams lurking in the pages and pages and pages of matches. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I try not to let my Grammar Queen instinct rear its ugly head and bag the dude with the first there vs. they’re snafu. I’m not judgemental by nature but with each login the sense of impending doom becomes stronger and stronger until I want to ball up and rock back in forth in the corner muttering “buhbuhbuhbuh” while my left eye twitches uncontrollably.

I’ve been struck at the…quality…of these matches and I’m torn between thinking they’re hooking us up based upon the fact that I suck in their eyes or if the pickins are really so slim that scraping the bottom of the barrel is the best I’m gonna get.

Case in point:

(I’d like to say that names and cities have been changed to protect the losers, but profile details are as honest as they’ve published. I can’t write this shit.)

Profile #1 – Hal from St. Louis, MO

Occupation: Layed off, BUT LOOKING

I’m guessing that if you can’t spell “laid off” and you’re using dating as a secondary portal to the job search, chances are you’re not all that employable and, thusly, DATABLE. I’m not the world’s authority on writing  a profile but you can at least give some semblance of employment when trying to make a good first impression. Make an effort by playing the “self employed” card or LIE. This is only secondary to Steve from Clarksville who listed his Occupation as “I on disability”.

Profile #2: MERLE

MERLE lists his home as INYOURBED, KY and his occupation as “CARWAS TECHNITIAN”. I’d wager he owns a Buick LeSabre, has at least one lawnmower carcass and has an empty keg under the trailer deck stairs.

Profile #3: FRANKLINGUY!

We already know where Franklinguy’s interests reside. I’m shocked to learn he’s still single. Shocked, I tell you. He even listed one of his interested as “barefoot walks on the beach”. Another shocker. What I’m not shocked about however is that he’s chosen to switch to another site. No doubt he has garnered a reputation in other venues.

Profile #4 – I couldn’t even remember his name and was so struck by the picture – the only one on his profile – I could concentrate on little else. It speaks volumes. (Note the unfinished drywall, shades, and pocket rocket. I didn’t know whether to call his Mama or Merry Maids.) I feel mildly guilty for posting his picture on the Net, and attempted to shield his identity a bit, but seriously, if you’re going to put this kind of thing out there you deserve to be called out for sheer idiocy.

Loser

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~ by cinderellawasdelusional on June 4, 2009.

One Response to “Adventures in Internet Dating, v2.0”

  1. I enjoyed your previous posts, however I think this one reeks of classism.

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